2 Years Ago, Kit on PBH:

We believe in Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, unless Steve can hit the 3 and Adam can run the motion offense.

This week on the Onion:

A two-handed slam dunk by an openly homosexual man set off a chain of events this week that culminated in the legalization of gay marriage in nine states, including Mississippi and Alabama. “When I saw that dunk, I was like, ‘Whoa!’” said Alabama state Sen. Hinton Mitchem, adding that his office was flooded with calls and e-mails from constituents demanding legal recognition of same-sex marriages following the slam. “A guy with nasty moves like that should be entitled to the same fundamental rights as the rest of us.” On Thursday, the New York State Senate passed a resolution declaring that it would take a pretty sweet roundhouse kick from a gay mixed martial arts champion before it would allow homosexuals to marry.

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Everyone’s favorite idiot columnist at the New York Times, Thomas Friedman, is out with a real intellectual whopper today, entitled www.jihad.com. In it, he patiently describes that what Islam needs is a civil war. Yes, that Islam, the one with over 1 billion adherents across the globe, needs to have a civil war:

We had a civil war in America in the mid-19th century because we had a lot of people who believed bad things — namely that you could enslave people because of the color of their skin. We defeated those ideas and the individuals, leaders and institutions that propagated them, and we did it with such ferocity that five generations later some of their offspring still have not forgiven the North.

How long do I have to wait for the next 9/11? I could really use a good clearance sale.

If the Wall Street overlords are ever to make it out of this recession with their vacation homes, I must take on more crippling debt.

The true meaning of Christmas is overwrought consumerism to placate our strained familial and social ties that have entirely degraded into pecuniary relationships.

Who needs health care when there is high definition television to be watched?

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Seeing as my I fucking hate Keith Olbermann post is the number 1 google search result for… I fucking hate Keith Olbermann, I feel that it is my duty to enumerate the reasons why I fucking hate Keith Olbermann:

#1 He is an overpaid, wanna-be progressive in the mold of the typical over-educated, under-critical New England Liberal. This can be summed up as “I want a reconfiguration of the American socio-economic landscape, as long as it doesn’t impact my privilege, challenge my own lifestyles and perspective, or induce a structural shift in the inequalities in American society that I benefit from.” These are also the same people that think Barack Obama is ‘change’.

#2 He thinks he is a real journalist. Everyday of his life seems to be a painful exercise in thinking he’s Edward Murrow. Bad news buddy, you’re the centrist version of a Fox News commentator, just spewing vitriol into the magic shiny box every night.

While you were day dreaming of a romantic trip with the balloon boy, Goldman Sachs announced record profits of $3.2 billion, “crushing Wall Street estimates for the third straight quarter.” Alas, the record profits and “the giant quarterly gain allowed Goldman to set aside $5.4 billion for employee compensation — bringing its bonus pool to $16.7 billion through September 30.”

But they couldn’t have done it with you, Joe Taxpayer:

[Goldman Sachs] was one of the nine big banks that received loans from Treasury last fall. It received $13 billion in the costly, widely questioned September 2008 rescue of insurer AIG. It has sold $22 billion in federally guaranteed debt under a plan the feds started to restore capital markets activity. And it has been a major beneficiary of the low interest rates the government has adopted in hopes of restarting the economy.

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