Author Archive

Words We Don’t Want Forgotten: Malarkey

Malarkey is an important word, handed down by our forefathers to express our disgust with the phoniness of life. I want this word preserved, so when I am a crotchety 50 year old man and one of those damned blacks steals my lawn ornaments, I’ll say ‘what a bunch of malarkey’.

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Der Onion Stole Der Content!!!

2 Years Ago, Kit on PBH:

We believe in Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, unless Steve can hit the 3 and Adam can run the motion offense.

This week on the Onion:

A two-handed slam dunk by an openly homosexual man set off a chain of events this week that culminated in the legalization of gay marriage in nine states, including Mississippi and Alabama. “When I saw that dunk, I was like, ‘Whoa!'” said Alabama state Sen. Hinton Mitchem, adding that his office was flooded with calls and e-mails from constituents demanding legal recognition of same-sex marriages following the slam. “A guy with nasty moves like that should be entitled to the same fundamental rights as the rest of us.” On Thursday, the New York State Senate passed a resolution declaring that it would take a pretty sweet roundhouse kick from a gay mixed martial arts champion before it would allow homosexuals to marry.

We slander, you decide.

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Thomas Friedman, Still Dumb As A Fucking Rock

Everyone’s favorite idiot columnist at the New York Times, Thomas Friedman, is out with a real intellectual whopper today, entitled www.jihad.com. In it, he patiently describes that what Islam needs is a civil war. Yes, that Islam, the one with over 1 billion adherents across the globe, needs to have a civil war:

We had a civil war in America in the mid-19th century because we had a lot of people who believed bad things — namely that you could enslave people because of the color of their skin. We defeated those ideas and the individuals, leaders and institutions that propagated them, and we did it with such ferocity that five generations later some of their offspring still have not forgiven the North.

When I read this, I feel like I’m getting yelled at by Bill Cosby with down syndrome. “You see kids, the Islam today is full of bad people… now back in the 1800’s, America was divided into two worlds: slaves and Abraham Lincoln. And with the mighty advent of Kodak film and jello pudding, Democracy won. To summarize my points, Jihad is bad.” And it only gets better:

A corrosive mind-set has taken hold since 9/11. It says that Arabs and Muslims are only objects, never responsible for anything in their world, and we are the only subjects, responsible for everything that happens in their world. We infantilize them.

What the fuck does this even mean? Does Thomas Friedman not understand what the word “subjects” means? Yes, since 9/11, America has invaded and occupied Iraq and Afghanistan, hoisted billions of dollars onto Saudi Arabia, Israel, Pakistan, and Egypt, and threatened to blow up Iran, and THE ISLAMS is responsible.

Fuck! Why is Thomas Friedman so fucking stupid!

See Also: No, This Time You Suck On This, See If You Can Spot What Tom Friedman Misses, and Internet Proves To Be Fertile Ground For Jihadist Recruitment.

[tags]thomas friedman, thomas friedman is a fucking idiot, what a tool, how does he write for the new york times, i want to lock tom friedman and joe Lieberman in gitmo and feed them dog shit for the rest of their worthless lives, fuck thomas friedman, idiot, moron, new york times[/tags]

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Thoughts of the Average American During Christmas Season

How long do I have to wait for the next 9/11? I could really use a good clearance sale.

If the Wall Street overlords are ever to make it out of this recession with their vacation homes, I must take on more crippling debt.

The true meaning of Christmas is overwrought consumerism to placate our strained familial and social ties that have entirely degraded into pecuniary relationships.

Who needs health care when there is high definition television to be watched?

black-friday-is-black-freedom

I’m only participating in Black Friday if there are no actual black people involved.

Give me liberty or give me extra fries with that.

God only gives gifts to white people who worship the Constitution or the Pope.

Holiday Miracle: Turn water into savings!

Listen kids, if the elf at the mall looks as queer as he did last year, we’re not going. You’ll just have to send Santa letters at the North Pole.

Christmas is when a mythical flying man bestows upon the rich children the gifts they so rightfully deserve, and charitably gives out coal to the poor children, so they can enjoy their putrid squalor in warmth.

who-needs-credit-cards

The successful advancement of gender equality can only be attained by the purchase of revealing underwear with risque messages for my 10 year old daughter.

Once again, the collusion of Jews and Mexicans has destroyed the sanctity Christmas.

Buying things I can’t afford makes me forget that my existence is but a means to someone else’s profit.

i-want-you-to-spend

I don’t care how many people had to live impoverished lives to provide me with cheap electronics and low-quality trinkets. Gimme gimme gimme!

The Lord Jesus rose from his grave into the iPod accessories aisle of Best Buy, and said to his apostles “Oh yey faithful, won’t you consider an extended warranty?”

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Hear The PBHipsters

Singing done by dear friend Kit, while creative vision, direction, and background yelling provided by Alec.

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