Who Is The Biggest Loser Of 2011?

The cows were the first to know.

200 Delphic bovines in Wisconsin died suddenly this January. Their passing followed on the heels of other mysterious animal deaths. Hundreds of thousands of fish floated belly up in Maryland and Arkansas waterways. 40,000 crabs washed up on England’s barnacled shores. Thousands of birds plunged from the sky over backwater Louisiana towns.

The mass animal deaths baffled scientists and smacked of an unfinished Kurt Vonnegut novel. But to dooms-dayers, it was the latest incontrovertible evidence: the Rapture was upon us.

Extra-terrestrial historians may well sigh: we should have known. The tell-tale signs of the impending apocalypse were all too apparent in the first half of 2011. Strange happenings from geopolitics to the Jersey Shore. Students armed only with moxie and status updates toppled the Middle East’s strongmen. France led airstrikes into a sovereign country. Donald Trump was a veritable Republican presidential candidate before he fired™ himself from consideration. Even Brett Favre retired. And, most improbably of all, Snooki was a New York Times best-selling author.

Planet Gaia tragically played the accomplice. The Japan earthquake this March shifted the country’s entire coastline eight feet. The Gulf of Mexico again gushed oil near the notorious BP leak. Another enraged Iceland volcano scuttled trans-Atlantic air travel. Countless tornadoes carved up the United States, making 2011 the deadliest year on record.

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Yes, the end of the world was right on schedule, sayeth noted doomsdayer Harold Camping.

Harold Camping is an 89-year old civil engineer turned self-taught biblical scholar. He prophesized May 21, 2011—7,000 years after Noah’s flood, a Saturday, and the 59th birthday of Mr. T—to be Judgment Day. Mr. Camping first calculated Judgment Day to be back in 1994. He later admitted a rounding error.

But this time was real. As Harold Camping saw it, Judgment Day would commence with an earthquake off the coast of New Zealand on May 21. It would make Japan’s tragedy look like “child’s play”.

If Harold Camping was right, 200 million believers would be destined to Heaven that Saturday. The rest of us would be doomed to five months of fire and brimstone before the world’s complete destruction in October. If Harold Camping was wrong, 200 million believers were destined for the most awkward Monday morning meetings of their lives.
To Mr. Camping’s credit, a 6.1 magnitude earthquake did strike near New Zealand’s uninhabited Kermadec Islands on May 21. Unfortunately for Mr. Camping a) no damage was reported and b) he is still here.

Mr. Camping admitted, “It was a rough weekend.” He expected more smoke and devastation. But he insists Judgment Day did occur on May 21. We simply did not see it. And the world will still end on October 21. A Friday, and, for now anyway, the scheduled Game 2 of the 2011 World Series.

Americans can rest assured that authorities remained on highest alert in the event of the Rapture. The CDC compiled a comprehensive, doctor-certified zombie emergency plan. Step 4: “When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast!”

The New York Police Department issued a formal statement, “We don’t plan any additional coverage for the end of the world. Indeed, if it happens, fewer officers will be required for streets that presumably will be empty.”
And embattled New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg comforted citizens, “The world cannot end tomorrow. You know why? It can’t end at least until the Knicks win a championship again. We’ve got a long time to go!” Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire were unavailable for comment.

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But suppose Harold Camping is right. Suppose Judgment Day did unfold on May 21. Suppose the world will end on October 21. What would you do? The mega-rich would cobble together massive spacecraft to escape our mortal coil, a la the Jon Cusack movie bust 2012. But the rest of us?

Many will spend their final days with loved ones. We will savor the ephemeral beauties of family—one last beer with the dad, a final Chinese Checkers game with the grandmom. And we will cherish long, nostalgic “remember when” dinners in the backyard. Both of them. Because then the mayhem will begin…

Epicureanism will be civilization’s last fad. Equinox gym memberships will plunge. Recreational drug use will soar. Millions of debtors will rejoice over inconsequential credit card bills.

The most noble among us will continue to work out of a sense of duty. But trash collectors would not be among them. Cities would become smoldering infernos of uncollected garbage and looting.

I hedged my bets in case Harold Camping was right. I did not book a one-way flight to the Seychelles. I did not party like Charlie Sheen. I did, however, inhale bags of dark chocolate peanut butter M&M’s and spend hours in hot-tubs. Often at the same time.

I woke up Sunday, May 22. My student loans were still there accruing interest. Michael Bay, still allowed to direct movies. I surveyed the Georgia countryside expecting acres of charred, pockmarked moonscape. And I saw only cows grazing in verdant pastures. Without a care in the world.

Because dooms-dayers have been wrong since the beginning of time. Because his Family Radio network squandered $100 million to warn us about just another Saturday. And because this was not his first blown prophecy, Harold Camping is 2011’s Loser of the Half-Year.

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Dishonorable Mention: 3D Movies, Al Qaeda, Rod Blagojevich, Greece, LeBron James, Middle Eastern Tyrants, Manny Ramirez, MySpace, NASA, The New York DOJ, Pakistan, QE2, and Charlie Sheen.

Worst Start To A Presidential Campaign: Former Speaker of the House turned glitter-bombed pariah Newt Gingrich

Worst Theory Of The Half-Year: Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez for purporting Capitalism exterminated life on Mars.

In a March speech commemorating World Water Day, President Chavez mused, “I have always said, heard, that it would not be strange that there had been civilization on Mars, but maybe capitalism arrived there, imperialism arrived and finished off the planet.” (http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2011/03/22/hugo-chavez-says-capitalism-may-have-ended-life-on-mars/)

Cautionary Tale Of The Half-Year: Ted “Golden Voice” Williams

Ohio homeless man Ted Williams stunned the nation with his “Golden Voice” after he was discovered by a local news reporter this January. The Cleveland Cavaliers offered him an announcing gig. Kraft Foods made Williams the voice behind an entire TV campaign.

Update: Ted Williams relapsed. He bounced in and out of a drug rehab facility in Texas, a sober house in California, and another Texas rehab facility this May. The Cleveland Cavaliers have since rescinded their job offer.

Worst History Teacher Of The Half-Year: Sarah Palin

“Come on, everyone knows who Paul Revere, the silversmith and patriot is. He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.”

Worst Ad Of The Half-Year: Macy’s Adidas line for the Miami Heat’s 2011 NBA Championship.

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Please check back for Part Two: Who Is The Person Of The 2011 Half-Year? and Part Three: What Was The Top Moment Of The 2011 Half-Year?