The Onion Takes On The Teabagger Movement

Pwned:

Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head. “Our very way of life is under siege,” said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination.

“Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: ‘one nation under God,'” said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. “Well, there’s a reason they put that right at the top.”

“Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation,” continued Mortensen, referring to the “Father of the Constitution,” James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. “The words on the page speak for themselves.”

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Revenue From Marijuana If It Were Legal

State By State Revenue From Marijuana If It Were Legal Infographic

See Also: Is Marijuana Prohibition America’s ‘Berlin Wall’?, Colo. Commission Recommends Lowering Drug Penalties, Portland’s ‘Cannabis Café’ opens to cheers, controversy, Doctor’s re-assess marijuana, Can’t Wait For You Idiots to Screw it Up, Virtually legal, Winning The Drug War By Ending It, Dude, where’s my medical-marijuana ID?, and State Over-Reach: Stripmining the Citizenry for Fun and Profit.

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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Internet Explorer 8

From the depths of my soul, I hate Internet Explorer.

Doop doop doop, surfing the web, found a funny picture of a horse on Reddit. I can’t wait to save it:

internet-explorer-8-sucks

internet-explorer-8-sucks-2

Microsoft, you never cease to amaze me.

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I Finally Figured Out What’s Wrong With Me :(

Witzelsucht, from the German witzeln, meaning to joke or wisecrack and sucht meaning addiction or yearning, is a set of rare neurological symptoms characterized by the patient’s uncontrollable tendency to pun, tell inappropriate jokes and pointless or irrelevant stories at inconvenient moments. The patient nevertheless finds these utterances intensely amusing. It is associated with small lesions of the orbitofrontal cortex.

It is distinguished from pathological laughing by virtue of congruent affective experience and expression, and an admixture of irritability and mirth. It is most commonly seen in patients with frontal lobe disease or injury, particularly right frontal lobe tumors or trauma.

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Welcome To Barack Obama’s Race-Free America

It looks like another beer summit needs to take place, where centuries of racial injustice will be cured by a 20 minute conversation with the Tiger Woods of politics:

A prominent Columbia architecture professor punched a female university employee in the face at a Harlem bar during a heated argument about race relations, cops said yesterday…

The professor, who is black, had been engaged in a fiery discussion about “white privilege” with Davis, who is white, and another male regular, who is also white, Friday night at 10:30 when fists started flying, patrons said.

McIntyre, who is known as “Mac” at the bar, shoved Davis, and when the other patron and a bar employee tried to break it up, the prof slugged Davis in the face, witnesses said.

Also, this is what ‘Mac’ looks like (and if I could photo shop, it would say ‘BARACK OBAMA’D!!!’):

barack obama'd!!!

[via NYPost]

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