You gaze idly at the carnage around you, sigh, and go calmly back to your coffee and your People magazine. You think you’re an activist because you bitch all day on the internet, but you reelect the same gangsters at a 99% rate. You shrug your shoulders at the knowledge that your government is populated by criminal liars intent on fooling you into impoverished, helpless submission. You cheer this process on. You consider yourself informed because you waste a significant portion of your life watching the same three news stories cycle over and over again on your gargantuan, aerodynamic television set while you eat processed food. Your whole life has been a pitiful exercise in rote mimicry, a meek subjugation of individuality in exchange for herd approval. Your delusions of “common sense” wisdom stem from an unwillingness to seek information and an inability to critically analyze it. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You never hesitate to offer strong opinions on subjects you don’t know a damn thing about. You’re more worried about friction on the “Desperate Housewives” set than the lack of health coverage at your tedious, soul-destroying job. You have no idea what is going on in the world, and you’re fine with that. You have a poorer understanding of your country’s foreign policy history than a third world peasant, but you can’t wait to see what Julia Roberts will be wearing at the Oscars. You are shallow, inconsiderate, afraid, brand-conscious, sedentary, and totally self-obsessed. You are American. You are why democracy doesn’t work. You are an idiot.
Exhibit A: You’re fat.
Punishment: You’re soaking in it.
[a mash up of the You's from the past 5 years Buffalo Beasts 50 Most Loathsome]