Jerk off scenes, finger bangs, and blogs.

Oh shit bitch, we’re back, black, and obscener than ever. Let’s jump right into the action.

Kreepie kats kreepie kats! This is only noteworthy because your’s truly, Alexander P. Blogger Dupont, added probably the best comment to this discussion:

A rape scene?? Bush league. I just saw Little Children, which featured not one, but two, jerk off scenes, including one where a woman was in close proximity and crying. Someone’s got to raise the ante.

Nothing’s better a part from referencing jerk off scenes, than effacing BLOG ENTRIES about the timidity and stupidity of the MSM (mainstream media, for you non-blog sluts). Check out DealBreaker’s decomposition of Emmit Smith, who probably is still recovering from hanging out with Michael Irvin’s coke habits. Apparently Emmit Smith has enough money to warrant an in depth report of his investments, courtesy of Fortune.

From the Fortune Article:

“Smith’s interest in real estate began during his days in Pop Warner football in Pensacola, when he sometimes stayed at the home of his coach the night before a game. The 3,500-square-foot house was no mansion, but it was enough to impress a young man who lived in a public housing project, the Courts, with his mother and four siblings.”

Translated for us plebeians by DealBreaker….

Smith liked big houses when he was a kid. Well, I’m ready to invest! That’s like saying Smith’s interest in football began when his dad fumbled him down the stairs when he was a newborn.

The point is that football players rule, and you geeks better get the fuck out of the way. Yah, you. You think Johnny Football Hero knows what a god damn blog is? Slim chance. Now, while you think of this, check out the 10 most embarrassing geek photos, which unfortunately does not include someone beating off to World of Warcraft. They would probably do better if they just tried dressing up as robots.

Anyway kids, stay made prayed up, inject lots of coke, talk shit about the British, and let’s all do our part to bring slavery back. Oh, and apparently Chris Brown has AIDS and the Moonnites caused Boston to freak out.

Touch the boys until your weiner explodes

Foley Erect! There is nothing better than an individual being a hypocrite, especially when that person is a Republican representative that has championed child protection legislation. And then misspelling ‘bulge’ to a 16 year old boy in hot, steamy IM conversations. The real question is: where do you unload it? And, why are all homosexuals = pedophiles now?

And the best part, the homosexual = pedophile people (aka Fox News & Co.) called Foley a Democrat. Because we all know that the Democrats are bank rolled by pedophiles (and don’t forget the atheists), and this whole episode is a big gay conspiracy.

By the way, doing crystal meth just got a lot more cooler. And Estonia is number one on the State of the World Liberty index.

Welcome to Blogsville, Population Penis Transplants

In the most important news ever, there has been the first-ever penis transplant. I am not kidding. The only problem is that “the patient and his wife apparently would rather not have a dead stranger’s penis in their lives. There was no physical rejection of the organ, but the patient and his wife had a “severe psychological problem” with it, and the surgeons had to remove it.”

This is the Thai revolution. Taking pictures in front of tanks, looking like a bunch of yellow mow-rons. And this is the media in America. These are the six things you shouldn’t believe (in case you do, and don’t forget your generic religion or -isms). And don’t forget, the Iraq war made the War On Terror (trademark pending) worse.

In more blog related punditry and fun-ditry:

AFP titled their piece, ‘Bush and Ahmadinejad to make rival cases in nuclear dispute at UN.’ In the interest of honesty, it should’ve been titled, ‘Two Lunatics Address UN General Assembly.’ The leader of an oil rich nation will argue that his country needs to develop nuclear energy. The leader of a nuclear weapon rich nation will argue that ‘nukes is bad.’

“I know it may seem a little weird, and I promise you that I’ll shred them after you’re done renting, but you know, since 9/11 you can’t be too careful. I have to say, we have had some STRANGE requests from foreigners. And sometimes, someone will call to rent the house, and they’ll sound all American, and then I’ll call them back, and they’ll pick up the phone in some foreign language that sounds like Al Qaeda!”

Welcome to Blogsville, Population Penis Transplants

In the most important news ever, there has been the first-ever penis transplant. I am not kidding. The only problem is that “the patient and his wife apparently would rather not have a dead stranger’s penis in their lives. There was no physical rejection of the organ, but the patient and his wife had a “severe psychological problem” with it, and the surgeons had to remove it.”

This is the Thai revolution. Taking pictures in front of tanks, looking like a bunch of yellow mow-rons. And this is the media in America. These are the six things you shouldn’t believe (in case you do, and don’t forget your generic religion or -isms). And don’t forget, the Iraq war made the War On Terror (trademark pending) worse.

In more blog related punditry and fun-ditry:

AFP titled their piece, ‘Bush and Ahmadinejad to make rival cases in nuclear dispute at UN.’ In the interest of honesty, it should’ve been titled, ‘Two Lunatics Address UN General Assembly.’ The leader of an oil rich nation will argue that his country needs to develop nuclear energy. The leader of a nuclear weapon rich nation will argue that ‘nukes is bad.’

“I know it may seem a little weird, and I promise you that I’ll shred them after you’re done renting, but you know, since 9/11 you can’t be too careful. I have to say, we have had some STRANGE requests from foreigners. And sometimes, someone will call to rent the house, and they’ll sound all American, and then I’ll call them back, and they’ll pick up the phone in some foreign language that sounds like Al Qaeda!”

IS THERE WI-FI IN PRISON? & Other Impotent Questions

OK, so there is a dilemma going on with blog round up. Do I make it funny or do I make it serious? Because there are some issues I take seriously and would like to report on (international relations) and there are other issues that I would also like to report on, but do not necessarily jive with my more.. serious entries (anal sex, hookers, etc). What I’ve decided to do is have the first part be SERIOUS, and then the second part be funny. Now, first you will think, then you will splooge from laughter.

Atlantic Review has an excellent summary about US foreign policy in relation to the War on Terror, and the possibility that the War on Terror is creating as much terrorism as it is removing. I’ve actually written about this in the past (specifically the attempt to remove Hezbollah by force) and agree with the idea that a military strategy is short-sighted, if not completely flawed. Further, “DEMOCRACY” as an end all be all has done nothing but empower mostly extremists in the Middle East. All in all, I think the US pursuit of changing the Arab world has been a double edged sword of maintaining and propping up US-friendly (and often oil drenched) regimes while trying to promote change.

Publius Pundit asks “ARE THERE RACIAL DIFFERENCES?”. Basically, nature vs. nurture has been settled on BLOGS. There is nothing too immense or difficult of an issue for the power of BLOGS. Remember that. But there are better articles at Publius right now including an excellent piece by Kim Zigfield of the Russiaphobe about a Putin intellectual day camp. Don’t forget my own article or NO MORE WARS FOR ISRAEL!

Coming Anarchy continues to be one of my favorite hang outs, mostly because my snarky comments are occasionally acknowledged and laughed at. CA has a good crop of articles talking about the rising problem of guerilla warfare in Afghanistan and the reemergence of the Taliban and Al-Qaeda.

IS THERE WI-FI IN PRISON? Probably not! But this guy is about to find out! According to Gawker, this self-proclaimed Jesus freak got himself on Dateline last night. It was for soliciting sex from a 13 year old. Best of all, he has a single blog entry on MySpace entitled ‘my life took a u-turn’ written in the past which accordingly features over 500 comments, mostly talking about his love for middle schoolers.

This should remind you of why to never, ever become a blogger. Because blogging is stupid and selfish. Just like human females. Also, you can have sex on a plane with these females now.