The Best Theories On Everything (Volume IV)

The “Us Vs. Ancient Romans” Theory: We are genetically identical to the Ancient Romans. We are simply separated by nicer things, monotheism, and two thousand years of Enlightenment and the Western legal system. Our National Football League is their gladiatorial games but with nicer Underarmor-imprinted padding.

The “10,000 Rule” Theory: Malcolm Gladwell estimates it takes 10,000 hours to truly master a skill. The Beatles became The Beatles after countless all-night jam sessions in mostly empty Munich night-clubs. Bill Gates logged well over 10,000 hours coding in the University of Washington’s computer labs.

What is the 10,000 hour skill you want to master? What is your hour tally? (Math Tip: An hour a day for three years is a little over 1,000 hours, or only a smidge above 10%.)

The “February Black History Month” Theory: As told by Chris Rock, “February is Black History Month. Isn’t that nice? The Man gives us February because it’s the shortest month of the year! Now, I’m not complaining, but I think we deserve at least a thirty-day month. It’s also the coldest month of the year, just in case we wanted to have a parade.”

The “Ray Lewis Paradox” Theory: “Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill all and you are a God.” -French Philosopher Jean Rostand (1894-1977)

Michael Vick killed dogs and justly served over a year in prison. Donte Stallworth killed a man (drunk) and served under a month in prison. Ray Lewis killed two men and is hailed as a consummate leader and role model. -The NFL Justice System (2005-2013)

The Manti Te’o Meme Theories

The “Manti Te’o Girlfriend” Theory II:

The “Te’oing” Theory:

The “SEC Football Girlfriend” Theory:

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The “Death Of The American Manly Man” Thesis:

The American Manly Man, known the world over for centuries of bravado and gritty ingenuity, passed away during the season premiere of HBO’s “Girls”. He was 237.

His death was confirmed by American pop culture. The cause of death is still under investigation, and the U.S. Department of Health is awaiting the results of toxicology testing. Girls’ obsessions with vampires, Justin Bieber, and the Snuggie are believed to be preliminary suspects.

The death of the American Manly Man was not wholly unexpected. On the contrary, he had been in declining health since the bell-bottom Disco Seventies, and his condition further deteriorated during the Backstreet Boys – N’Sync boy band days of the late 1990s. He suffered a major set back when Megan Fox married the guy from “90210”.

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The “Chobani Yogurt Viral Marketing Campaign” Theory: My friend John Kranyak is a distinguished world champion bridge player, international man of leisure, and Chobani fanatic. Mr. Kranyak passionately lauds the Chobani brand at all hours and, additionally, consumes Chobani of all varieties (except Strawberry-Banana) at all hours. We believe Mr. Kranyak’s eclectic background, brazen charisma, and Millennial vitality could pave inroads into most of the prized 25-40 male Greek yogurt demographic. We believe a video series of Mr. Kranyak touting the appeal of Chobani can unearth new demographic segmentation opportunities. We believe these have viral social media potential.

We appreciate Chobani’s serendipity and ingenuity. We also believe John Kranyak’s vibrant personality and unique background resonate with such a message.

Status: Made first contact with Chobani loyalty director. Tepid interest. Initial phone call scheduled for sometime this month.

(If any reader has any family members or friends employed with Chobani Inc., please email me at [email protected].)