A Modest Proposal: Let’s Grind Up Old People Into High-Protein Bars

In America, we are hitting a cross-roads with health care reform. It has fragmented and polarized political discourse while political leaders have failed to come up with an adequate compromise. As a contributor to a great blog like Prose Before Hos, it is my responsibility to think “outside the box” and come up with solutions to the nations greatest ills.

The largest constituency that is opposed to health care reform are the elderly, evidenced by a recent CNN poll where “six in 10 seniors opposed to the president’s proposals [for health care reform]”. Conventional thinking would say “Oh no! How do we convince slobby gross old people to agree to sign up for Obama’s death panels?”

This is why conventional thinking is worthless. Maybe Chuck Todd will send his grandparents into the FEMA Health Care-O-Caust camps being set up by Rahm Emmanuel. But you know what that means? You still have a gross geezer body covered in vermouth and stall Cheez Its to dispose of. And that takes a lot of time and money, especially considering FEMA’s specialty is making sure minorities die during national disasters, not disposing of the social and economic vampires that are the elderly.

The real answer is that we can not hesitate to grind up our elderly into delicious high-protein bars. Old people not only oppose health care reform (bad), but they smell (worse), they talk too much (worser), and they gross out everybody when they eat (the worst). Seriously, have you seen an old person eat? It’s repugnant. They get crap all over their lips and they don’t even realize, and half of the time their clothes are on sideways and they don’t care because they will spend the rest of their lives waiting for the Grim Reaper to take them away from the real-life hell that has become their existence.

Anyway, if we convert them into high-protein energy bars, we can solve numerous problems plaguing society. First, health care reform will be more viable, and we can finally have the socialist society promised to us by the Koran. Secondly, we can deprive fat people of any food except for these energy bars. Third, kids can learn to appreciate the values of their elders by consuming their flesh for their slimy, gray nutrients.

Bonus: If MIT decides to get off it’s lazy asses and do something for society, they will figure out a way to convert old people into sustainable energy. I don’t care if we’re throwing their wrinkled, moribund bodies into train engines, let’s just do something with them. Because frankly I’m tired of having my Friday night’s at Bennigans ruined by old people eating in front of me.




YACHT is a band that is on James Murphy’s DFA Records label. YACHT consists of one of the guys from the Blow and a girl. They are awesome.

Hang around baby we’ll be making a cake for you:



Which Offends You More: Homosexuality Or Slavery?


[tags]homosexuality, homosexuals, gay marriage, slavery[/tags]



Where Have You Gone, Leon Trotsky?

The Long Strange Posthumous Life of Leon Trotsky, worth reading in it’s entirety, not just for the insights on Trotsky’s legacy on the Left, but for a really disturbing look at the fractures that consumed the American left for most of the 21st century. The money shot below:

“But always and always, those who took Trotsky’s side cannot help but look back and think what the Soviet Union might have been if only Stalin had lost that fight. I’m very much among those who feel that American socialists need to look to American history — not Russian or Chinese or Cuban history — to chart our course. But no one who has looked back at the early part of the 20th century can fail to be thrilled by that moment when it seemed as if the workers were actually in control of history. It was this painful memory Trotsky carried with him as he began the first of his exiles in Turkey.

May I suggest — though my Trotskyist and Leninist friends will not hear me — that the greatest honor one could pay to Leon Trotsky would be to let him rest with the honor he earned. And, as he broke with Stalin, so let us break with all undemocratic efforts at revolution, which would make human beings merely “means to the end”. Humanity — each life — is an end in itself. As A.J. Muste said, “there is no way to peace — peace is the way”. So too, revolution begins now, as we empower ourselves to think for our own time.”



What, Too Good To Be A Toys-R-US Kid?!

A six-year-old girl has become a media darling in China on her first day of school by expressing her aspiration to become a “corrupt official” when she grows up, state media said on Friday.

“When I grow up I want to be an official,” said the girl, whose face was blurred to protect her identity.

“What kind of official?” the interviewer asked.

“A corrupt official because corrupt officials have a lot of things,” she replied.



Hot On The Web